Fun

Does this make sense?

Sometimes, you can just feel when a person, even a person you don't really know well yet, is fun.

I don't just mean general fun. I mean specific fun. Your specific fun.

You can just sense that they like to do the same stupid crap that you like to do. Even before you know that they like to do the same stupid crap that you like to do.

That was you, to me, for nearly a decade. I sensed that life with you would be fun. Oh, not all the time. It wouldn't just be a carnival or whatever. But those idle hours… when all the worries of work can be set aside for a while, when none of the home improvement projects have a looming deadline or are keeping part of the house unusable.

I have long since felt like the way we would choose to spend that time would be very compatible.

Now, as I get to know you, spend more time with you… My confidence in that only ever increases. You are fun. You are my kind of fun.

The thing is, you are clearly also his kind of fun.

And you clearly still have fun with him.

Which was difficult to process at first. No, I don't need to hide things anymore… It is difficult to process, still. Just… a little less so. I see the two of you enjoying your time together, and it makes a little bit of my hope drain away.

Don't stop, though, not on account of me. Learning to deal with that has been a difficult lesson, but an important one. I truly believe I will be a better companion for you from the lessons I've learned so far.

I do realize, and this realization does help, that part of it is just that when I see it, I'm watching a fantasy of mine… the fantasy that your marriage was in exactly the same condition as mine… melt away.

I hardly ever have fun with her anymore.

Learning about your deep history… I want to know it. I say I want to know everything about you, and that's true. And you've been with him for more than half of your life, so to know everything about you means I need to know about your history with him.

But it isn't always easy.

I suspect, in terms of “fun”, you two are far more compatible than me and mine.

While the two of you were having the time of your life during your twenties (apparently, though I admit I've only heard the good stories), I was scooping living parts of my soul out, putting those scoops into mason jars and shoving those jars into the back of a closet to accommodate the woman who would become my wife. Interests of mine, put on the back burner, or even just… put away.

I'm finally starting to break some of those jars open again, but… they're awfully dusty. And now, being an adult with a house and kids and pets and responsibilities, finding time can be so difficult sometimes…

Have we had fun together? Absolutely. But what she and I consider fun only overlaps a little. And I guess… you aren't the only one here who has an unfortunate history of being a doormat.

She was not excited for the concert this past weekend. She listened to one song and said “I don't think I'm going to enjoy this.” I do think she ended up being a little bit surprised, but still. We only went because we were going with friends. If I had discovered that band on my own, and asked her to go to a show with me, she would have listened to that one song and then said “sorry, no”. And we wouldn't have gone. And I wouldn't have gone, because I won't go alone, and I don't… Well, honestly, I don't really have any friends here. Except for you guys.

She would not have gone with me, she just wouldn't. Never mind the countless concerts I've taken her to that I could barely stomach.

Don't get me wrong, I'd happily take you to any concert you wanted to see. Not just because I'd take any excuse to have a night out with you, but also… Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt it… I think with you, things would be far more balanced. You just seem… so… utterly reasonable. And giving.

Actually, I think you and I are a whole lot alike, in a lot of ways. And a younger me might be concerned about that, about getting bored or some other nonsense. I see now that that younger me was an idiot. I don't want to be with a clone of me, true, but having more overlapping interests than just the kids is important. Anyways.

Sorry, I lost the thread a bit.

You still have fun with him. I don't even remember the last time I had fun with her. Your situation and my situation are different. And sometimes, when I'm reminded of that, I lose a tiny little bit of hope (it's ok, though — there's plenty of hope remaining, and you keep refilling it and refilling it and refilling it…).

But… at the same time, I can see other cracks. I know your marriage is imperfect (I mean, they all are, but…).

I see him disrespecting you. Not often, but far from never.

There's a memory that for you is clearly troubling and unpleasant, but which he has brought up to me in front of you at least twice, jokingly. And he just seems completely oblivious to the fact that, from your perspective, it's a barb. It's so obvious in your body language, your response. Both times he told it. But he keeps telling it. At this point, I'm guessing he's told it countless times. The event happened something like 20 years ago. How many times has he twisted that barb around?

How many times has he demonstrated that your feelings about that memory don't matter to him?

For that matter, how often does he demonstrate that your feelings don't matter to him?

Because I've seen it, clear as day, other times.

And I only get to see the teeniest, tiniest fraction of your lives together.

Maybe the rest is better. I wouldn't dare to presume. But it seems like for most people, the private is worse than the public, not the other way around.

So, yeah… I see the two of you still having fun together, and it hurts a bit because it makes it harder to believe that you might be interested in a change.

But then I see him sometimes treat you like an object, a trophy… and I remember that it isn't just about fun.

It's about being loved in the way that you want to be, deserve to be loved.

And I don't think that either of us currently have that.

But I am completely certain that we're capable of providing it to each other.

You already give me more love than I'm used to receiving. You were already doing so in those early days when I was just trying to figure out if you were actually being more friendly than usual or not…

And I can't know how much of my love you're able to feel yet, but… I am absolutely certain I can give you the love that you want, need, and deserve. My body, heart, and soul are overfilling with the stuff. And I will always treat you with care and respect.

And, god… I am absolutely certain we're going to have so much fun together.

I love you, ⭐️.

Yours,
♒️